Nepo Babies... Are they just like us?
With great nepotism comes great responsibility
Hi! This is “Dear Abby”. It’s called that because, crazy coincidence, my name is Abby. I answer advice monthly (maybe more often in the future…) As you read, maybe ponder submitting your own question or subscribing to The Presidential Address for more stuff like this. Kk, have fun!
Dear Abby,
I’m tragically unemployed. After a brief stint working abroad (which flopped but that’s a whole other story), I’ve moved back to my hometown and into my parents’ house with less than unbridled enthusiasm. While I’ve been applying for jobs like the good member of society I’m trying to become, I haven’t had a ton of luck other than a few interviews here and there. I fear the pressure has started to boil up in this house. My dad for months has suggested that he reach into his contacts to help me get a job and I’ve always refused. My dad is nobody major, just a mid-level manager at a small company who happens to have a few loose connections in academia and media and says that he can’t promise me a job but can ask around to see if anyone is hiring for someone like me. The thing is that I’m terrified of taking him up on his suggestion because:
1) I’m embarrassed to have my dad pimp me out to his friends and acquaintences... Would it be morally corrupt to do so?
2) the Optics of it all!! What would people think? Say?!
3) I don’t want a job that I could only get because daddy pulled some strings for me as it would eat away at my ego.
But now I’m getting desperate. I haven’t had a job in months and I’m not sure how much more I can take. I haven’t decided to take him up on his offer but I’m more seriously considering it.
Can beggars in fact be choosers?
-Nepo Baby Narc
Dear Nepo Baby Narc,
You’ve presented a very interesting pickle here, Nepo Baby Narc. I’ve been toiling over this question because frankly, when I first read it I wanted to grab you by the shoulders, shake you around, and yell, “TAKE THE HELP! DUH!”. The more and more I thought about it though, I found myself feeling hypocritical because I have been in a eerily similar pickle lately. Soon after, insecurity snuck in because if we’re both in the pickle, how am I supposed to know our way out of these briney waters?
Then, I thought, perhaps that’s the beauty of me being the person writing this, and you being the person to write in. We’re both young and desperate and maybe, hopefully, we can figure our way out together.
So, let’s take it step by step.
I’m embarrassed to have my dad pimp me out to his friends and acquaintances… Would it be morally corrupt to do so?
Baby, nepotism is as old as time. It didn’t just pop up in the last few years with the Jenners or when NYMag put out that groundshaking headline, “She Has Her Mother’s Eyes. And Agent.”
Why do you think we have last names like Smith? Baker? At some point nepotism was so normalized they were like, yeah this is John’s son… obviously his name has to be Johnson, so everyone will know and give him special privileges because they like and respect John.
Admittedly, I am not a Nepo Baby. (And frankly, I don’t think you are either. It sounds like your dad’s job is pretty normal so I don’t think it’s right to lump you in with the culturally recognized “Nepo Babies” as in, the children of celebrities and millionaires... but for the purpose of this question, I will play into this Kendall Roy fantasy of yours.)
The university I attended was absolutely crawling with high-level Nepo Children. When I see their snide little LinkedIn posts thanking everyone who helped them along their “job search journey,” I get red in the face knowing they left out Papa Big Bucks who clearly did most of the heavy lifting. Still, I don’t expect them to not use what they’ve got! None of the other Nepo Children are sitting patiently with their hands in their laps. Why should you?
the Optics of it all!! What would people think? Say?!
The Optics will be that you got a job! My anxietistas are probably familiar with this old adage: people aren’t paying attention to you because they’re way too busy worrying about themselves. And while I think this thought can calm some woes, I won’t say that you’re completely concocting this imaginary audience to your life. Because you’re not. You don’t have opps per se, surely no one is praying on your downfall, but there are people who care about you, who want the best for you, who are paying some attention.
Be honest now, aren’t the Optics of living at home, sipping juice in an Indeed scroll-induced haze, clicking Instant Apply on postings for Scrum Managers just cause it sounds funny… a little worse? (This might be just me with the Scum Manager thing. I apologize if this offends you or any Scrum Managers out there). I want to be clear that living at home is not a bad thing at all, especially in this economy, but one could argue having that safety net has replaced the fire under your ass with a sweet little embroidered throw cushion that says ‘Mama’s House.’
Now, I fear, it is time to get down to the tough stuff because I’m fairly positive it is neither the moral ambiguity nor the Optics that is truly giving you pause.
I don’t want a job that I could only get because daddy pulled some strings for me as it would eat away at my ego
Even though I don’t have a dad who could get me a job, I do constantly deal with what I think is the real crux of your issue: ego. Our aforementioned shared pickle.
Your ego has, by the sounds of it, been a little bruised after moving back to your hometown and flopping with this working abroad thing. You’re probably wondering if you’re capable of ever accomplishing what you want to accomplish. You tried, it didn’t work out and now you’re back where you started. Taking this helping hand from your dad might feel like a further admission of failure.
There is a radio station my mind sometimes turns to that’s just a 24-hour loop of gremlin voice telling me I’m a big fat failure. Currently, my official job title is ‘barista/professional worrier that I’ve already fucked my life by not getting a “real” job right out of college’. It’s been almost a year post-grad and I feel like every application is a waste because they will take one look at my resume and conclude that I’m unqualified and unemployable. I could try harder to reach out to my past internship/university connections, but I’m terrified they’ll think the same. So, why try? Right? I’d rather just sit in my suffering and complain on the internet, thank you very much.
There is another voice inside of me. It’s incredibly difficult to hear over the gremlin and all the shrieks of terror, but in fleeting moments if I listen real close… I realize it’s not possible for me, or you, to have failed at anything yet. We haven’t even gotten started! This is great news and also pretty shitty news, because I was sure I already took the first step into adulthood. Everything was supposed to just fall into place after that. But, as I’m learning, maybe life will require a bunch of first steps. What a raw deal!! Everyone knows it’s undoubtedly the hardest step.
So, now it looks like you might need a little help taking your second-first step and your ego is throwing a tantrum because you were supposed to be able to do this all by yourself! It was gonna be this whole glorious thing where you finally reached the mountain top and everyone looked up in awe and said, “God! I don’t know how they did it! I couldn’t have done it by myself like that!” And then you were supposed to sigh and smirk devilishly, and scream down, “Yeah, take that fuckers!”
Let’s first accept the fact that your ego is lying to you. That whole glorious thing was never going to happen. Maybe you should try threatening your ego like a real crooked detective in a 1950s noir film. If that doesn’t work, smother it with a fluffy pillow. If it survives this, which it probably will because they are notoriously difficult to kill without proper hallucinogenic measures or religious devotion (debatable whether either of these even truly works), then you’re gonna have to learn how to move past its whining to get to where you want to be.
Needing to ask for help is hard. I procrastinate and get bubble gut and eight times out of ten never actually reach out. Accepting help that’s already being offered isn’t any easier. Your ego gets real defensive and starts questioning everything. Why would they want to help me? Do I seem weak? Sure, I am struggling, but it can’t be that obvious!
You have to prepare for your ego to put up a good fight against accepting the help you’re being offered. But one thing I do know, you will not be painted as a martyr for rejecting opportunities. Even if they aren’t “hard-earned.”
In conclusion…. Can beggars in fact be choosers?
Assuming that your dad can get you a job, a mentor, or even just a meeting in your desired career path and you haven’t yet had any other prospects and most importantly, something I haven’t hit on yet because it seems to be the underlying obvious thing– you are really really ready for a change…. Baby, so so kindly, what the hell else are you gonna do?
This life is a long one. You might try this out, then realize you absolutely hate it, and you should quit and work hard to find something you love if that’s the case. It’ll require another first step, but hopefully, by then you’ll have learned that the important thing is not letting your ego whisper so much in your ear that you end up believing you’re too good to use a little help in taking it.
Eternally and extremely yours,
Abby <3
P.S. If anyone has any good electric fly swatter or baseball bat recommendations so I can send my ego into a coma… please link in the comments below.
P.P.S. Thank you so so much for reading!!! Also huge thank you to those who submitted this month. I will be trying out a new rolling submissions form (not monthly) so if you have a question any time even if you are reading this from the year 2028, PLEASE submit to this link: Dear Abby - Submissions Form
I am totally overwhelmed by the support shown for my first edition. Seriously, I am just so grateful. Thank you, i love you, give yourself a little kiss for me. Consider subscribing… and sharing with your friends… okay. Bye bye. Talk soon. <3